If God Heals Us
November 30, 2009
Blessed Feast-day today of the Holy Apostle Andrew,
the First-Called, to all the beloved faithful in
Christ at St. Luke's! It was such a blessing to see
you shining radiantly and be together with you
yesterday at the celebration of the Holy Liturgy, to
be lifted up in prayer into the Kingdom, and to
receive the precious and all-holy, life-giving Body
and Blood of our Lord and God and Savior, Jesus
Christ: unto the healing of soul and body, unto the
remission of sins, unto a good defense before the
fearful judgment seat of Christ, unto faith
unashamed, unto love unfeigned, and unto life
everlasting!
The last letter I wrote to you was in the early morning hours of Friday, November 20th, just prior to going into the hospital for surgery. I wrote it with my heart being filled with love for you, my dear ones in Christ, knowing that those words could very well have been the last prayer, encouragement and comfort I'd have the blessing to offer you in this life.
So much has happened in the subsequent ten days, and although I hesitate to attempt to capture some of it in writing, I think that it is best that I try in order to keep personal communication alive between us, so that we can always continue to love and pray for one another in holy peace and in the unity of steadfast faith in Christ.
We arrived at the hospital early in the morning of the 20th, smoothly went through all the admission procedures, and then I was welcomed into the Operating Room to bless it. So, in front of several of the doctors and nurses who would be performing the surgery, I proceeded with the Trisagion Prayers; then after "Our Father…", sang the Troparia for St. Luke, the Holy Cross and for the Resurrection ("Christ is Risen…"), all while blessing with Holy Water every open wall of the O.R. with the sign of the Cross. Afterwards I prayed for the doctors and the nurses in particular, for everyone under their care, and for all those who are sick throughout the world in need of God's visitation and merciful love. Then I hung up a small Icon of the Resurrection. All week long, I wasn't sure which Icon to bring, but then it seemed very appropriate to me: here is Christ pulling up Adam and Eve out of their tombs, from death to life; and here I would soon be lying "asleep" on an operating table, a sort of grave, with my only hope and faith that Christ would raise me up too. After the prayers, some of the doctors and nurses told me that "the room was filled with a certain peace that had never been there before.
Meanwhile, beginning at 7AM that same morning, I understand that several of the beloved faithful had already begun gathering at St. Luke's in order to pray for God's mercy, that by His grace He might heal me, a sinner. Your heartfelt love and sincere prayers truly humble me beyond words. I am so deeply thankful to God for each and every one of you. Here it was, on a Friday, a workday with the most traffic, and you came to Church to say a prayer for me. From the bottom of my heart: Thank You! I heard that many others came to the hospital throughout the day to help Kyra and our daughters keep strong. I heard that the Molieben for the Sick offered at 12 noon was well attended and that many of my dear fellow clergy drove to St. Luke's from all over southern CA in order to be together and pray. Thank you, dear brothers in Christ! Then, last but not least, that night I remember hearing in the recovery room that the Evening Divine Liturgy for the Feast of the Entrance of the Theotokos was well attended and most beautiful,with a great Lenten pot-luck afterwards. Glory to God for all things!
What follows is much more difficult to write, even a bit embarrassing for me. Still, I offer it to you with the hope that whenever you might be faced with a very difficult situation in life, which will undoubtedly happen at some time or another; you will not loose hope, but will turn to God in faith, knowing that He loves us and "desires not the death of a sinner, but that we repent (turn back to God) and live".
Well, I woke up from surgery… and I was in pain. Several hours had passed, but surgery seemed like just one minute to me. In a somewhat conscious but sleepy painful state, I remembered enough to know that if I woke up in pain, it meant that they were able to proceed and do the surgery, which made me very happy. Furthermore, I'd expected to feel as if an entire herd of elephants had trampled me under foot; yet I actually felt as if only one or two elephants had stepped on me, which made me even happier. Then Kyra and Ana and Katya came into the recovery room and told me the great news that the cancer had not spread, making my soul rejoice even more.
Then however, they continued, with the utmost positive and encouraging attitude, to fill me in with yet more news… news that I did not expect and apparently wasn't prepared to hear. The surgery did in fact proceed, all the way to the pancreas. There was no evidence of cancer spread, but due to the nature of my particular cancer, it was deemed too risky to try and remove it at that time. It appears that not only do I have a 3 cm "solid mass", but it is also interconnected with a 3 cm mass of nasty cysts,which were described as looking like a "little cluster of grapes". If one of those cysts were to break or leak, then the cancer would have spread. So, it was decided to close for now, give some time to heal; then undergo several weeks of chemo and radiation in order to shrink the cysts down to a "little cluster of raisins"; and then once again to undergo surgery (perhaps in late January,early February) and this time be able to remove all the cancer. This is the plan for physical healing, and I am meeting with an Oncologist this Friday morning, Dec. 4th, Saints Barbara and John of Damascus, to map out an aggressive treatment in more detail.
Speaking of my somewhat unique mass and cystic pancreatic cancer, my mom reminded me on the phone that, from the very beginning, it seems I've always been a bit "unique", and in the process have always been preserved by the hand of God. For example: giving my mom and dad a great scare, I jumped into this world feet first (literally) with the cord wrapped around my neck. And then at one year old, (pre baby car-seats), I was in a car accident that left me in a hospital for three months. Other than the scars that remain, I remember none of this, yet it is certain that God saved and preserved me many times over in His grace and love for mankind. So, as I've reminded many faithful throughout the years: "We are and have always been in the hands of God, even from our mother's womb; so He will not abandon us ever, especially in the time of illness".
After having gone into the surgery with such profound divine peace, I must admit that, spiritually speaking, Friday post-surgery and Saturday all day were very difficult and quite a struggle. I would be lying if I said there was no self-pity and fear. I felt anxiety over this burden, and at one point think I said to Kyra: "why did they even bother to sew me up, they should have just put in a zipper for the next surgery". Furthermore, being filled with medications and pain killers, I kept trying to pray, but was getting confused and had a hard time remembering the words in the right order, even for the Jesus Prayer. So, I just kept repeating the first part, calling upon the Name of the Lord, and simply praying "Lord, Jesus Christ" over and over all through the night. Saturday was difficult also. There were so many tubes attached to me, there was much pain, and I felt as if I'd never get out of bed, stand upright or take one simple step ever again. My family came to pray and again offer positive encouragement and love; they also told me of everyone at St. Luke's offering their prayers for healing and their love. After praying that night, I resolved it in my heart to get out of bed and be sitting up in a chair the following morning (Sunday) in order to receive Holy Communion from Deacon Jon, who would be coming to visit. At this point, it was still somewhat an act of stubborn resolve, to do that which I knew I should be doing, even if my heart was not fully at peace yet. In other words, even if I wasn't really ready to take up this cross, I knew that I needed to do it.
So, Sunday morning I stood up, walked two steps and sat into a chair. There I prayed and waited eagerly for Holy Communion. After receiving the Holy Gifts at about 1 pm, now that I think back, my soul has been at peace ever since. On Monday morning, I begged them to remove the epidural and all pain medications and all tubes everywhere… which they did by early afternoon. Then I started walking, and kept on walking throughout Tuesday, passing the nurses station on purpose several times, so that they knew I was ready to go home, which I did that evening. Then every day since, through your prayers and the intercessions of the saints, I've been blessed to feel better and better, stronger and stronger; till finally I was able to walk two miles on Saturday and best of all, come to the Divine Liturgy yesterday!
It is true that I still feel rather weak; you heard my feeble voice yesterday and noticed that I've lost 25 pounds in the last two months. I am also still light-headed, which is why I am not yet driving and thought it best not to serve or even carry a Chalice this past Sunday. Still, if every day continues to bring more healing and strength, I plan, God willing, to con-celebrate the Divine Liturgy this Sunday, December 6th, St. Nicholas Day, together with Fr.Michael Reagan. And, as soon as possible, I want to start visiting the sick from St. Luke's to pray and bring them Holy Communion. I will even try to be at a portion of our parish's Advent Retreat this weekend on "Eucharistic Eating" with John and Mary Granger.
The title of this letter to the parish is "If God heals us,…" which is the first portion of a quote from St. John Chrysostom. His quote reads in full: "If God heals us, then He heals us for more Crosses". How true indeed. I heard this quote from Fr. Thomas Hopko in his CD "The Word of the Cross" (SVS Press), which has been very helpful and healing to me during this time. I think that everyone who listens to this talk will be blessed and enlightened; and more prepared to follow Christ in the midst of difficulties in life.
At any rate, I think by extension (to include everyone on a daily basis) we could say: "If God wakes us up in the morning, it is so we can faithfully take up the Cross and follow Christ". This is what we must do, even if we struggle with it from time to time, just like I did last week. This is the only path that leads to Life in Christ. There is no Resurrection without the Holy Cross; there is no Glorious Pascha without Holy Friday! To take up the Cross and follow Christ is to abide in God's love. This is how we manifest our love for God and for one another… as this is precisely how Christ Himself powerfully revealed to the world His love for God and for all mankind - by hanging upon a Cross to trample down death by death.
May we all be blessed with the faith and courage to deny ourselves (cast away our selfish fears, anxieties and burdens) and take up the Cross every day, no matter how difficult, and follow Christ… He who is the Way the Truth and the Life!
Asking your continued prayers,with much love, the unworthy servant,
Fr. Michael
The last letter I wrote to you was in the early morning hours of Friday, November 20th, just prior to going into the hospital for surgery. I wrote it with my heart being filled with love for you, my dear ones in Christ, knowing that those words could very well have been the last prayer, encouragement and comfort I'd have the blessing to offer you in this life.
So much has happened in the subsequent ten days, and although I hesitate to attempt to capture some of it in writing, I think that it is best that I try in order to keep personal communication alive between us, so that we can always continue to love and pray for one another in holy peace and in the unity of steadfast faith in Christ.
We arrived at the hospital early in the morning of the 20th, smoothly went through all the admission procedures, and then I was welcomed into the Operating Room to bless it. So, in front of several of the doctors and nurses who would be performing the surgery, I proceeded with the Trisagion Prayers; then after "Our Father…", sang the Troparia for St. Luke, the Holy Cross and for the Resurrection ("Christ is Risen…"), all while blessing with Holy Water every open wall of the O.R. with the sign of the Cross. Afterwards I prayed for the doctors and the nurses in particular, for everyone under their care, and for all those who are sick throughout the world in need of God's visitation and merciful love. Then I hung up a small Icon of the Resurrection. All week long, I wasn't sure which Icon to bring, but then it seemed very appropriate to me: here is Christ pulling up Adam and Eve out of their tombs, from death to life; and here I would soon be lying "asleep" on an operating table, a sort of grave, with my only hope and faith that Christ would raise me up too. After the prayers, some of the doctors and nurses told me that "the room was filled with a certain peace that had never been there before.
Meanwhile, beginning at 7AM that same morning, I understand that several of the beloved faithful had already begun gathering at St. Luke's in order to pray for God's mercy, that by His grace He might heal me, a sinner. Your heartfelt love and sincere prayers truly humble me beyond words. I am so deeply thankful to God for each and every one of you. Here it was, on a Friday, a workday with the most traffic, and you came to Church to say a prayer for me. From the bottom of my heart: Thank You! I heard that many others came to the hospital throughout the day to help Kyra and our daughters keep strong. I heard that the Molieben for the Sick offered at 12 noon was well attended and that many of my dear fellow clergy drove to St. Luke's from all over southern CA in order to be together and pray. Thank you, dear brothers in Christ! Then, last but not least, that night I remember hearing in the recovery room that the Evening Divine Liturgy for the Feast of the Entrance of the Theotokos was well attended and most beautiful,with a great Lenten pot-luck afterwards. Glory to God for all things!
What follows is much more difficult to write, even a bit embarrassing for me. Still, I offer it to you with the hope that whenever you might be faced with a very difficult situation in life, which will undoubtedly happen at some time or another; you will not loose hope, but will turn to God in faith, knowing that He loves us and "desires not the death of a sinner, but that we repent (turn back to God) and live".
Well, I woke up from surgery… and I was in pain. Several hours had passed, but surgery seemed like just one minute to me. In a somewhat conscious but sleepy painful state, I remembered enough to know that if I woke up in pain, it meant that they were able to proceed and do the surgery, which made me very happy. Furthermore, I'd expected to feel as if an entire herd of elephants had trampled me under foot; yet I actually felt as if only one or two elephants had stepped on me, which made me even happier. Then Kyra and Ana and Katya came into the recovery room and told me the great news that the cancer had not spread, making my soul rejoice even more.
Then however, they continued, with the utmost positive and encouraging attitude, to fill me in with yet more news… news that I did not expect and apparently wasn't prepared to hear. The surgery did in fact proceed, all the way to the pancreas. There was no evidence of cancer spread, but due to the nature of my particular cancer, it was deemed too risky to try and remove it at that time. It appears that not only do I have a 3 cm "solid mass", but it is also interconnected with a 3 cm mass of nasty cysts,which were described as looking like a "little cluster of grapes". If one of those cysts were to break or leak, then the cancer would have spread. So, it was decided to close for now, give some time to heal; then undergo several weeks of chemo and radiation in order to shrink the cysts down to a "little cluster of raisins"; and then once again to undergo surgery (perhaps in late January,early February) and this time be able to remove all the cancer. This is the plan for physical healing, and I am meeting with an Oncologist this Friday morning, Dec. 4th, Saints Barbara and John of Damascus, to map out an aggressive treatment in more detail.
Speaking of my somewhat unique mass and cystic pancreatic cancer, my mom reminded me on the phone that, from the very beginning, it seems I've always been a bit "unique", and in the process have always been preserved by the hand of God. For example: giving my mom and dad a great scare, I jumped into this world feet first (literally) with the cord wrapped around my neck. And then at one year old, (pre baby car-seats), I was in a car accident that left me in a hospital for three months. Other than the scars that remain, I remember none of this, yet it is certain that God saved and preserved me many times over in His grace and love for mankind. So, as I've reminded many faithful throughout the years: "We are and have always been in the hands of God, even from our mother's womb; so He will not abandon us ever, especially in the time of illness".
After having gone into the surgery with such profound divine peace, I must admit that, spiritually speaking, Friday post-surgery and Saturday all day were very difficult and quite a struggle. I would be lying if I said there was no self-pity and fear. I felt anxiety over this burden, and at one point think I said to Kyra: "why did they even bother to sew me up, they should have just put in a zipper for the next surgery". Furthermore, being filled with medications and pain killers, I kept trying to pray, but was getting confused and had a hard time remembering the words in the right order, even for the Jesus Prayer. So, I just kept repeating the first part, calling upon the Name of the Lord, and simply praying "Lord, Jesus Christ" over and over all through the night. Saturday was difficult also. There were so many tubes attached to me, there was much pain, and I felt as if I'd never get out of bed, stand upright or take one simple step ever again. My family came to pray and again offer positive encouragement and love; they also told me of everyone at St. Luke's offering their prayers for healing and their love. After praying that night, I resolved it in my heart to get out of bed and be sitting up in a chair the following morning (Sunday) in order to receive Holy Communion from Deacon Jon, who would be coming to visit. At this point, it was still somewhat an act of stubborn resolve, to do that which I knew I should be doing, even if my heart was not fully at peace yet. In other words, even if I wasn't really ready to take up this cross, I knew that I needed to do it.
So, Sunday morning I stood up, walked two steps and sat into a chair. There I prayed and waited eagerly for Holy Communion. After receiving the Holy Gifts at about 1 pm, now that I think back, my soul has been at peace ever since. On Monday morning, I begged them to remove the epidural and all pain medications and all tubes everywhere… which they did by early afternoon. Then I started walking, and kept on walking throughout Tuesday, passing the nurses station on purpose several times, so that they knew I was ready to go home, which I did that evening. Then every day since, through your prayers and the intercessions of the saints, I've been blessed to feel better and better, stronger and stronger; till finally I was able to walk two miles on Saturday and best of all, come to the Divine Liturgy yesterday!
It is true that I still feel rather weak; you heard my feeble voice yesterday and noticed that I've lost 25 pounds in the last two months. I am also still light-headed, which is why I am not yet driving and thought it best not to serve or even carry a Chalice this past Sunday. Still, if every day continues to bring more healing and strength, I plan, God willing, to con-celebrate the Divine Liturgy this Sunday, December 6th, St. Nicholas Day, together with Fr.Michael Reagan. And, as soon as possible, I want to start visiting the sick from St. Luke's to pray and bring them Holy Communion. I will even try to be at a portion of our parish's Advent Retreat this weekend on "Eucharistic Eating" with John and Mary Granger.
The title of this letter to the parish is "If God heals us,…" which is the first portion of a quote from St. John Chrysostom. His quote reads in full: "If God heals us, then He heals us for more Crosses". How true indeed. I heard this quote from Fr. Thomas Hopko in his CD "The Word of the Cross" (SVS Press), which has been very helpful and healing to me during this time. I think that everyone who listens to this talk will be blessed and enlightened; and more prepared to follow Christ in the midst of difficulties in life.
At any rate, I think by extension (to include everyone on a daily basis) we could say: "If God wakes us up in the morning, it is so we can faithfully take up the Cross and follow Christ". This is what we must do, even if we struggle with it from time to time, just like I did last week. This is the only path that leads to Life in Christ. There is no Resurrection without the Holy Cross; there is no Glorious Pascha without Holy Friday! To take up the Cross and follow Christ is to abide in God's love. This is how we manifest our love for God and for one another… as this is precisely how Christ Himself powerfully revealed to the world His love for God and for all mankind - by hanging upon a Cross to trample down death by death.
May we all be blessed with the faith and courage to deny ourselves (cast away our selfish fears, anxieties and burdens) and take up the Cross every day, no matter how difficult, and follow Christ… He who is the Way the Truth and the Life!
Asking your continued prayers,with much love, the unworthy servant,
Fr. Michael